Date nears for seniors to be released into the wild

Whitman College is one week away from graduation. The campus is bursting with expectation and excitement, students happily exchanging numbers and charting out their summers. In the offices of the President and the Dean of Students, however, faculty and staff are making different preparations. “It’s almost here,” says Donna Cummins. “The Great Migration.” Cummins is referring to one of the most important events in the life of a Whitman College student: the release of a graduating senior into the wild. “The release is definitely something to watch,” says Cummins. “These students have been kept in captivity for the past eighteen years, their needs closely monitored and wants satisfied. They’ve been fed a steady diet, been carefully socialized, and participated in numerous experiments. We’ve done all that we can for them. The real test is what they do out there without us.” Of course, that doesn’t mean that the new alums are on their own: ... Keep reading

Deposed: For tyranny, crimes against humor, wearing white after Labor Day, making a general mess of things, petty theft, failure to accept criticism etc., etc.

For the past year and a half, so-called “editors” Sarah Hatheway and Evan Cartwright have ruled the humor section of the Whitman Pioneer with an iron first. Now, we are thrilled to report their reign of terror has ended. The duo was apprehended in the Pio offices early last Friday morning, hurriedly putting the finishing touches on their last section. Splashed across computer screens were partially Photoshopped images bearing titles including “Is it time to burn (as in make jokes about) (George) Bridges?” and “Audience Bored at Annual Choral YAWN-test.” The time was 3 AM. “They didn’t even put up a fight,” reported Editor-in-Chief Kim Sommers. “It was like they knew we were coming for them.” Added co-editor Jamie Soukup, “Thank God. We were prepared to use force if necessary. Cartwright’s small, but he can get scrappy when he’s cornered.” Hatheway and Cartwright are now securely incarcerated in their decrepit off-campus house, where they ... Keep reading

Humor Section – May 7th, 2009

Below is the Humor section from April 30th, 2009. Enjoy! Open publication - Free publishing - More funny Keep reading

Humor Section – April 30th, 2009

Below is the Humor section from April 30th, 2009. Enjoy! Open publication - Free publishing - More college Keep reading

Humor Section – April 23rd, 2009

Below is the Humor section from April 16th, 2009. Enjoy! Open publication - Free publishing - More college Keep reading

Awkward silence at party unnerves guests

A generally-boisterous weekly beirut function was momentarily stalled last Friday by what some are terming “a total buzzkill.” Garrulous conversation came to a halt as one attendee fiddled with the iTunes playlist, resulting in an uncomfortable silence broken only by the shifting of sneakers on the gummy hardwood floor. “Hey,” one student said, clearing his throat loudly, “do you know that in a group there’s a collective silence like, once every seven minutes?” “I think that’s just something people say to fill the space,” another quickly added, a look of desperation on her face as her forced laughter faded. Much to everyone’s relief, the music started up again soon after. Keep reading

This year’s approved cuts within the ASWC administration

During this last year, ASWC was forced to turn its focus inward and make  cuts within its administration. Here are a few things ASWC decided it could do without: To show approval during meetings, ASWC will begin knocking on tables instead of “making it rain” hundred dollar bills into a pit of fire Champagne hot tub donated to local charity Team-building trip to Atlantis probably canceled Elliott Okantey to sell pet griffin, in exchange for smaller griffin Pool full of sharks downgraded to pool full of piranhas ASWC now to serve Franzia at meetings, instead of Montrachet 1978 Keep reading

No More Ski Team! It’s all downhill from here

The ski team has managed to prove two things since it was announced that Whitman’s number one team is being cut. 1) They are NOT the most expensive team per athlete. The data that implied they were didn’t count coaches salaries. 2) They were never given a warning or a chance to try and save the school money - they had no idea. Whatever, you cash-guzzling snow-fiends, we did some research. Here comes a blizzard of facts: COLD AND HARD! HOW MUCH MONEY IS THE SKI TEAM HIDING FROM US? Real Value of Ski Team: $15 k for each of the four teams Potential Value: Value on eBay of Warren McDermott’s highly-oxygenated blood if sold at about 12 dollars per pint: $30,000 Nobody really knows how many pints are in the human body, but look at him. Dude has hella pints. Money to be made by intentionally losing to the easily-bribed Vassar: $10,000 The value of friendship: $700 Retail value of Anti-Global-Warming-Machine ... Keep reading

Unnoticed signs of ski team’s deteriorating relationship with Athletic Director Dean Snider

Unnoticed signs that the ski team’s relationship with Athletic Director Dean Snider was deteriorating: * When Snider planned a surprise candle-lit budget meeting, and the Ski Team got home late from skiing, AGAIN, it didn’t even ask why all the good silverware was out. * Snider left out a copy of Cosmo in the ski team locker room with the page open to a quiz called “How to know if Your Man is Spending Too Much on Skiing to Reasonably Fit Into the Budget of a Small College” * When the Ski Team left a generous tip for a waitress, Snider rolled his eyes, then vehemently denied that he was upset about anything, even though he didn’t say another word until they left Applebees. * Snider dreamily mentioned how “impressed” he was with Bode Miller’s fiscal responsibility * When Snider and the Ski Team went to see Iron Man, he stared at the team for, ... Keep reading

“quarterlife” posthumously sued by Kurt Vonnegut over copyright issues

Insiders have confirmed that a recent intellectual property lawsuit was filed against Whitman’s student literary journal quarterlife by famed American novelist and social satirist Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007). The issue of contention seems to be quarterlife’s choice of the phrase “So it goes” for the theme of its thirteenth issue, to be published in May 2009. Vonnegut, who coined and used the three-word refrain extensively throughout his seminal 1969 novel Slaughterhouse-Five, is now demanding royalties for its use. “I have no problem with people using my words as part of daily conversation. In fact, it’s sort of flattering,” said Vonnegut through a spirit medium. “But as a person who made my living through my creativity, I have to draw the line somewhere between imitation and exploitation. I used ‘So it goes’ one hundred sixteen times in that book, so I find it hard to imagine that quarterlife thought they could just slip ... Keep reading

Humor Section – April 16th, 2009

Below is the Humor section from April 16th, 2009. Enjoy! Open publication - Free publishing - More college Keep reading

Humor Section – April 9th, 2009

Below is the Humor section from April 9th, 2009. Enjoy! Open publication - Free publishing - More newspaper Keep reading

Jack Issue – April Fools 2009

The Whitman College Pioneer publishes an issue close to April Fools every year. This "Jack Issue" is an insert in the standard edition and is composed of humorous "news" stories written by members of the staff. Enjoy. Open publication - Free publishing - More april fools Keep reading

Humor Section – Spring 2009 Issue 6

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Activision injects indie cred into latest installment of ‘Guitar Hero’ franchise

In the wake of the popularity of 2008’s smash hit Guitar Hero: World Tour (3.4 million copies sold in the North American market), Activision has announced the release of its newest sequel to the popular franchise: Guitar Hero: Indie Cred.  GH:IC, due out for Playstation 3 and Xbox 360 in spring 2009, will follow four players as they struggle to form their own unique sound by opening for shows of other, little-known bands in the Vancouver, B.C. area. The soundtrack will be entirely composed of songs from bands that you’ve probably never heard of because none of them have actually released any albums yet. Expect gameplay to be similar to that of World Tour with the four band members performing their respective parts on lead vocals, synthesizer, didgeridoo, and Theremin. While the standard system of streaming, color-coded markers will be used to guide the players as they play along with ... Keep reading

Whitman discovers peace and prosperity

by Carmine Montgomery, guest columnist As students finish their third week of classes, Whitman College officials announced at a school-wide gathering this morning that the college has made it this far into the new year without a single national controversy, negative portrayal in the media, or even listserv squabble among the student body. To what do we owe this newfound era of harmony? I took to Ankeny to ask the students. “Barack!” said some jubilantly. “Drink!” said others nearby, who have apparently concocted some sort of Barack Obama-and-new-national-era-of-hope-based drinking game. For an astute few, however, the answer is far more surprising. “I think it’s because there wasn’t a Symposium this year,” said one student who preferred to remain anonymous. When asked to elaborate, the student responded, “Frankly, no one knows what’s offensive anymore.” The absence of the Symposium has been noted by many other students. The situation was even commented on via the students listserv at ... Keep reading

Humor: Issue 6

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Back Page: Issue 4

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Back Page: Issue 3

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Back Page Issue 2

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A Salute to Georges

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STRIKE BLOG!

The back page, never known for its timeliness, has just caught wind that the Writers Guild of America has been on strike since roughly 1985. For those of you who don’t like exaggeration for comedic effect, let’s just say these 13 or so weeks have felt like it. We here at the Pio have suffered no less. December 9, 2007 Damn, we wish there were some holiday specials on. TV has become a parched desert where good stuff used to be on once in a while. Now there’s just sand. Word is coming down from the grapevine that new reality shows are going to be coming on the air to replace scripted shows. January 3, 2008 We were thrilled to hear that a late-night host had crossed the picket lines to make TV awesome again. “An oasis!” we thought, dryly*. Then we heard the show coming back was Last Call with Carson Daly.** *A prime ... Keep reading

2008: This year already got real.

We’re only four weeks deep in this year and already we’ve had a statue go down hard (not to mention trees, but we hear they grow back). Plus the whole campus got a tundra-style makeover. And we all forgot to drop that 8 a.m. class before Ron Urban ended our dreams of freedom. And this blue moon thing keeps yelling at us to submit, submit, submit, and some but not all of us are into that sort of thing. Is it too premature for a year in review? When we won’t survive to see February, no. No it is not. Blue Moon turns 21 - sexual revolution to follow? A pastiche of thoughts and reactions to the greatest scandal to rock campus since Ryanhood. “blue moon has been legal for THREE YEARS? Why doesn’t anyone tell me these things?” “Can you go to the liquor store and get me a handle of Bacardi? I kind ... Keep reading

End of the semester.

For some of you it was your first. For a few of you it was your last—we’ll miss you. And for a lot of you it was just one of those middle ones that went by pretty fast. Should you have drunk less? Nah, you’re probably good. Wait, what are those things you have to do around this time? Keep reading

Top 6 Lists

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We present a one-page newspaper: Something for everyone.

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Boo! Ha ha, it’s just me.

by George Bridges President Hey there, “Whitties!” Halloween is coming in less than a week, and I’ll let you in a little secret: it’s my absolute FAVORITE holiday of the entire year. No kidding! What other holiday lets you buy five pounds of awesome Snickers bars from Safeway without the cashier giving you a sideways glance? No, but seriously, as this year’s All Hallow’s Eve draws near, there are some important things for all of us to take under consideration. I hear tell that a good number of you like to spite your age and still go out Trick-or-Treating, and it’s important for Whitman’s public image that we all agree to follow some basic standards of behavior. When the Princeton Review’s special Halloween issue comes out, I want to see us at number ... Keep reading

A Special Parents’ Weekend Back Page by George Bridges (President)

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Backpage Facebook stalks Columbus

So Monday was Columbus Day. What do you know about Christopher Columbus? Yeah, we don’t know much either. So what’s the best way to learn about someone, sometimes without their knowledge? Keep reading

Four-Day Weekend is coming up! Are you prepared for the worst?

Horrifyingly true testimonials tell all!! Don’t stay in Walla Walla. Friday: I was so excited to have an extra crazy Friday night to celebrate the four day weekend! But all of my friends had already left to go home or to someone else’s home or Seattle or something. So I just ended up opening the fifth of tequila I had been saving and drank in my room until I fell asleep. Saturday: Yes! I’ve got all day to hang out, enjoy the weather, and homework is totally not a problem since I’ve got so much extra time to do it! But no one’s playing Frisbee on Ankeny…and Reid is totally deserted…so I watched some movies and walked to taco truck by myself, than drank in my room and fell asleep. Sunday: I wanted to do some shopping around downtown, but nothing’s open in Walla Walla on Sunday. I watched some movies in my room and ... Keep reading

The Back Page Presents: Your MLB Playoffs Rundown

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Upcoming Events in the Month of October

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Tensions Run High…

Postulate: Alex Kerr is an insidious arson snake Okay, usually I can work through my problems with people, but when I’m expected to associate with a psychopathic criminal, that doesn’t gel with my sensibilities. What am I talking about, you ask? I’m talking about the fact that Alex Kerr tried to set Goodwill on fire. And even though he did a pretty shoddy job of covering his tracks, no one seems to be wise to him - except me. Let’s examine the facts, shall we? First off, Alex was obviously there on the night of the fire. Take a look at last week’s article from the Whitman Pioneer: “Whitman sophomore and Pioneer humor editor Alex Kerr was on the scene the night of the blaze.” First off, Whitman College is so ready to get down and have Alex’s babies. The amount of time they take listing his titles and accomplishments is almost ... Keep reading

Time-Appropriate Vegan Rights campaigns throughout history

The “Jena Six” debate surrounding the questionable trial of six (but now five) young black men in Louisiana is being called “the beginning of the 21st century civil rights movement”. Before an escalating series of hate crimes which led to their convictions, these six students decided to sit below the “white tree” at their high school and found nooses hanging there the next day…which is a perfect segue into a national campaign for VEGANISM! Heart-healthy Whitman students have captured the momentum of the whole “noose” trend and decorated our tree with lynched (and sometimes gutted) stuffed animals. Bacon sucks! With awe for our salad-munching friends, let’s look back at… Keep reading

The Back Page Presents: A Candid Interview with the President of Iran

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What did YOU do last weekend?

Time travel! Right? Time travel? Oh, you went to the all-campus frat parties. Well, so did we...IN TIME!! No, but seriously, the all-campus parties are a hallowed and time-honored tradition that have been around for longer than anyone at Whitman cares to admit. We took a casual jaunt through some wormholes to bring you an exclusive report on this oh-so-often neglected facet of small private liberal arts school Greek life history. Keep reading

Spice Up Your Local Newspaper!

So, I assume you all read last week’s issue of the Pio, right? Well, I hope you did, otherwise these jokes are already deader than that huge petrified forest in California. But anyway, you probably noticed that there’s not exactly earth-shattering news going on most weekdays in Walla Walla... at least, there aren’t any lip-synching controversies with one of the a cappella groups or accusations of human-rights abuses during pinging. Hell, there hasn’t even been a proper listserv debate so far this year. You can probably understand that it’s up to good old journalistic voodoo to pique your extremely short attention spans with a news story in the Pio, and that’s where an age-old skill comes into play: the sensationalistic headline! Take a gander at a few of these choice headlines from last week’s Pio after they’ve been sensationalized and tell us you wouldn’t choose them over some dry old ... Keep reading

Point-Counterpoint!!! Happiness Vs Tree(s)

Everyone knows we’re the happiest people on Earth AND that the Princeton Review are the best, most controlled poll-takers anywhere. Look it up, it’s a fact. Eighty six percent of you believe that, too. But what are we more proud of, our record-setting smiles or our record-setting Catalpa trees? What, you didn’t know that “Seven record trees can be found on the Whitman College campus” as declared in Robert Van Pelt’s Champion Trees of Washington State? Champion! That means at some point another tree had to pack up its dreams and go home because our tree KICKED ITS ASS! So who’s better? Happiness: I’ma kill you, tree. Tree: That’s completely beside the point. In a question of who brings more ... Keep reading

Identity Crisis? We’re here to help

So, y’all, how have these first few weeks at Whitman been? A good number of you already know where you fit in around here, but there’s a significant demographic of newbies who may still be having trouble acclimating to life around these parts. That’s where we come in. Nothing helps you discover your inner self and find your special little niche of the Whitman social scene better than a flowchart, so we made one. Start where it says “Start” and follow along (answering honestly), and before you know it you’ll know exactly what sort of clothes you should be wearing and opinions you should be having! And for all of you square pegs trying to fit into round holes - don’t even think about it trying to misrepresent yourself. There will be consequences. Keep reading

An Open Letter from the President

Dear Students of Whitman College, Here’s me. I’m George Bridges. Not Jeff Bridges. This is Jeff. Yes, I know we’re both wearing bow ties, but I thought of it first. Now, I’ve begun my annual letter this way for a reason. One day I was sitting in my office recuperating from a big fund-raising trip on the east coast when I looked through a Boston phone directory I was reading on the airplane. Flipping through its pages, I couldn’t help but be stunned speechless by the number of people who have completely identical surnames in one city alone: same spelling, and, I can only presume, same pronunciation. I pondered for an afternoon and came to the inevitable conclusion that if people don’t know who I am, then they aren’t nearly as inclined to listen to what I have to say. To test awareness of the George Bridges product, I went on a ... Keep reading

Dru Johnston

A senior at Whitman College and a former Webelo, Dru D. Johnston was unfortunately killed by facebook due to Mark Zuckerburg’s new added “Kill!” feature. In his last moments Dru wanted to express that he is not angry at Zuckerburg, and that this new feature is probably for the best and he knows that the public will eventually get used to it, much like the newsfeed. No one is quite sure how Facebook managed to kill an actual person, but rumor has it that his computer brutally beat him to death. The binary bruises support this claim. During his time at Whitman, Dru was normally very confused. Friends will remember his ineptness and his inablilty to use things like toasters always let his “friends” laugh at his expense. We only use the quotation marks because he had few friends. You can find his picture in the dictionary right next to ... Keep reading

Stephen Carter

Known to his friends as the exterminator, Stephen T. Carter unfortunately left this world on May 5th due to knee surgery complications in conjunction with a bear attack. In his tenure at Whitman, Stephen has become friends with many people, one or two of which he actually likes. He came to Whitman College to study English but became a Politics major after accidently checking the wrong box on a registrar’s form and never noticing. Stephen spent seven semesters as a writer or editor of the Back Page, but it was only until his fourth semester that he realized the page was supposed to be ironic. When not writing, Stephen enjoyed spending all of his free time alone in his room, only coming out to tell people to be quiet and to buy Dido CDs. Stephen was known around campus as an active member of the community. He ... Keep reading

Note strangely found on both bodies: Stephen and Dru wish to apologize to…

Over our few years writing this page, we have offended a lot of shitheads… and we know it, and not just on the paper, in real life too. So, we feel like we owe an apology to several people for several different things. So, without further ado, we apologize to: -Every alumni ever who has thought this was a real page. But really? You thought it was a real page? The constant use of the word fuck didn’t throw you at all. Bravo. -Everyone who got offended by that last apology… -Hoobastank… we’re sorry you suck so much -Hootie, but not the blowfish, the blowfish are all dicks. -The tri-delts… sorry, our bad… the former tri-delts -The men of Tau Kappa Epsilon -The men of Beta Theta Pi -The men of Phi Delta Theta -The “men” of Sigma Chi -Santa Clause. You are real. -China. We wouldn’t trade you for all the tea in you. -The ... Keep reading

A Couple of Thoughts

We at the Back Page have been inspired. Last week there was an article written by Natalie Knott entitled “What Knott is thinking.” It was just a list of what she is thinking. We wanted to do that. It sounded like fun. So without further ado: This is what we think about. - If Dorian Gray were real, don’t you think that most people would think he’s weird for getting a big portrait of himself? Talk about an ego. - If we as humans were predators and our only prey was curly fries, only the small ones would survive since the large, beautiful, curly ones (which are sort of like those really pretty peacocks) would be eaten by my friends within the first five minutes of me purchasing them. Curly fries seem to disprove Charles Darwin. - Where did Andy-O go? I have a hankering for mediocre reggae. - ... Keep reading

You know what this campus needs? Another Co-Op.

Seriously Whitman College, we’ve been doing some thinking here at the Back Page and we’ve come up with a solution for most, nay, all of the problems here at Whitman College. Remember the co-op? Well apparently it exists now, but they’ve been having some problems. For example, nobody knows about it. Also they do not have a small mini-mart but rather a food ordering service that will get you the organic food promptly after two to seven weeks. Well, we’ve come up with the perfect solution to help ensure our $30,000 is not put to waste. Let’s make another one. Seriously, we can ensure the success of our co-op if we can ensure a robust and thriving economy. Nothing can guarantee success like pure unadulterated capitalism. Take that, hippies. Two co-ops would force each other to compete for the best prices, most attention and most environmental ... Keep reading

News Bits

by Alex Henke WHITMAN COLLEGE PIONEER Bong Hits 4 Jesus case goes to higher court, ‘war on drugs’ leaders compare Arab holy figure promoting illegal activity to terrorist Famous shithead Kenneth Starr is taking up the prosecutor’s side of an ongoing court battle surrounding a Juneau, Alaska high school student’s suspension for holding up a ‘Bong Hits 4 Jesus’ banner during an Olympic torch relay. “This is the perfect example of how the war on drugs links to the war on terror,” said Starr while picking corn bits out of his scalp. “The thought of our children doing illegal drugs for a bearded A-rab holy man is deplorable. As a real American, I want a clean-shaven American to tell our children’s parents give their kids prescription amphetamines and opiates.” Fellow ‘warriors on drugs’ on the local school board nodded in agreement and then nodded off to OxyContin land. ... Keep reading

News Bits

by Alex Henke WHITMAN COLLEGE PIONEER Castro found alive, walking—resurrection technology to be barred from US soil The presumed-dead and formerly presumed-not Communist Cuban dictator Fidel Castro released a video earlier this week showing him walking and reading a newspaper. Experts who declared his death earlier this month now expect the recently resurrected corpse of Castro to bar any sharing of this newfound death-to-life technology with the US due to trade embargos. “Shit, you mean I could die from Cuban cigars and then come back?” said oh-so-lonely President Bush. “Maybe if I live forever, people will like me in the future. Oh, hell . …” Then, the executive said, “Let there be no embargo,” and there was no embargo. In other news, amen. Michael J. Fox goes to Iowa to promote stem cell research, Iowa lures celebrity into state to promote Iowa In celebrity news, Michael J. Fox is ... Keep reading

Not so (post)secret

A few years ago Whitman College was ranked high in the catagory of “Happiest Students.’ Year after year, our ranking continued to slip and we always wondered why. Thanks to the postsecret exhibition in Stevens Gallery, we now know. Man, Whitman College, you’ve got angst. I mean, I know we all got problems, but damn. Well, we want to help you. But we can’t help you if we don’t know you. So, we thought we’d use this week’s issue to break down this whole anonymity thing. We’ve got our hands on some unused postsecret submissions and we’ve decided to publish them with names. Also, we thought we’d throw ours up here for good measure. Enjoy! And seriously ... just take a deep breath. George Bridges, President Ron Urban, Registrar             Dru ... Keep reading

Happy Halloween!

Be Scary. Be Safe. Jack o’ Lantern “My insides are burning... and it’s not because of the candle, it’s because of the syphilis.” Black Cat “I don’t hiss to be bad luck. I hiss because my genitalia hurts so much.” Phantom of the Opera “I still have phantom pains from my one night with my angel of music... she was dirty.” Werewolf “Hi! My name is Jared Wilson and I’m a victim of the STI wereism due to unprotected sex with a werewolf. Since then I’ve dedicated my life to informing everyone of the dangers of unsafe sex, because I’m not the only one with an STI. So remember that if you’re going out this halloween, be safe. Here are a few words from my friends to help you understand the gravity of the situation.”... Keep reading

News Bits

by Alex Henke ACLU lecture deemed too conservative for friendly Whitman turnout Nadine Strossen, the president of the ACLU, is predicted to deal with a string of heckles and boos during her guest lecture due to her authoritarian standpoint relative to the Whitman average. Due to the sacred unspoken ASWC liberal bylaws hidden in one of the library’s copies of the Mininecronomicon (Cthulhu For Kids), no Pioneer article may express further details of an event or politician of such conservative bias. In other news, fnord. New Red product lines help fight AIDS in Africa, consumers predicted to reject ugly color Market research predicts that the new Red product lines which help fund AIDS medicine in Africa will fall flat due to its ugly color. “I’d totally love to help the poor starving people or something,” said preteen shopping princess Ebenezer Scrooge, “but that red Nano is so ... Keep reading

FAMILY WEEKEND PAGE or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Pay the College $40,000 a Year

Whitman’s departments: an examination for the parents Editors Note: We all know Whitman is a wonderful place. However, this weekend you are going to be spoonfed a lot bullshit. Excuse us, bullpoop. We here at the Back Page have compiled a list of lesser known facts about the departments and majors at the college that the administration doesn’t want you to know. Just call us Deep Throat. -Biochemistry, Biophysics, and Molecular Biology: This major does not actually exist. If your child tells you that he/she is a BBMB major it is only because he/she is worried you won’t continue to pay for his/her Theatre degree. -Classics: The Classics department has gotten lax about its definition of what is considered “classic.” The department now focuses on Greek texts, Latin texts, and the inaugural season of Saturday Night Live starring John Belushi. Classic. -English: We’re all ... Keep reading

News Bits

by Alex Henke Supreme Court says ‘no’ to sex toys hearing, ‘Thomas has talked enough about them’ The Supreme Court refused to hear a case involving the Texas ban of the promotion of sex toys in the shape of sexual organs on Monday, stating that they’d heard enough about sex toys from Justice Thomas.  “Fuck sex toys,” said foot-in-mouth specialist and Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia.  “Clarence won’t shut the fuck up about them already.  He keeps blabbing on about them, and Mark Foley, and various unsuspecting people…”  Justice Thomas responded to the no hearing decision, stating “Shit, I don’t gots no bitches in Texas anyway.  They’re a bit too much, so to speak—when I cop a feel I can’t tell if it’s the goods or the rolls.” Bobby Brown defends child support delinquency, claims most of USA also wants to cut and run Wanted criminal and idiot-celebrity-I’m-too-lazy-to-ignore Bobby Brown defended his absence ... Keep reading

Disclaimer

Disclaimer: The contents of this page are entirely fictitious and intended for humorous effect. The resemblance of any actual person, living or dead, is entirely incidental and not meant to hurt or offend any person, place or thing. Disclaimer 2: The above disclaimer is entirely real (except for the concept of offending places and things) and necessary for us at the Back Page to not get sued or accused of libel/slander. You will see a disclaimer from now on for every Back Page. Disclaimer 3: Seriously, here’s why we have to do this. A few alumni complained upon reading the first issue of the Pioneer this semester. They were confused and thought that George Bridges wrote the “Message to the First-Years” printed on the Back Page. Due to the frequent references to Harry Potter, his claim that he hoards cookies, his insistence that Four-West hold free and democratic elections and that it was published on ... Keep reading

First issue article, with corrections

by Not George Bridges Dear First Years et al, First off, I just wanna say: TWO-WESSSSSSSTTTTT!!! (read: D-Section) By now all you Two-Westers have probably figured out that you’re in that section for a reason. All your application essays pointed to one undeniable fact. You are all insanely badass. (George Bridges did not write this, sorry 2-West.) On another note, you returning students may not know that there is a change in Jewett’s fourth floor (read: Iraq). Due to an excessive amount of RAs (read: WMDs) they have added another section. In addition to Four-East and Four-West there is a new section called Far-West. This makes the former Four-West the middle east. We support a free and democratic Four-West. If elections are not held in forty days, you will be bombed. (George Bridges did not actually write any of this, sorry Iraq.) On a lighter note, there have been some serious changes here at ... Keep reading

News Bits

by Alex Henke Devil offended by all the politician comparisons The Devil arose from the dreary pits of Hell, Michigan, to clear his name and distance himself from the politicians he has been compared to in the past week. Lover of Jesus, hatred and the snack aisle, Reverend Jerry Fatty Falwell apologized for comparing Hillary Clinton to his master last Sunday.  Venezuelan president and runnin’-his-mouth punk Hugo Chavez, on the other hand, refused to retract his Bush-Satan comparison, citing evidence that delicious oil is worth all the back talk.  Still, Chavez heeded the advice of Devil Spokesman Nate Dogg when he suggested that those who are talking shit better LAY LOW. E Coli breakout worsens to 171 sickened, Africa not amused Popeye the Sailor Man supporters worldwide became even more nervous as the number of E. coli outbreaks related to spinach numbered 171 on Sunday.  “It’s the biggest epidemic since the SARS, or the ... Keep reading

The Forgotten Fraternity: ∆T∆

This week the Back Page takes a look at the history of our school and of the famed fifth fraternity: ∆T∆ (or Delta Tau Delta for you non-classics major independents out there). What was this mysterious fraternity about? Why did they become disbanded? Do you call measured quantities of meth an eighth? Well read on and find out! The Mission of the Charter  We the men of the Whitman Chapter of Delata Tau Delta believe in and base our lives and brotherhood on the following four fundamental principles: The Principle of Courage- Without courage a man is not a man. The courage to stand for what you believe in. The courage to stay strong in times of trauma. The courage to start a meth lab in your basement. This is what courage means to us Deltas. The Principle of Awesomeness- Awesomeness is something to strive for. Generic awesomeness is a necessity for Deltas because ... Keep reading

News Bits

by Alex Henke Bruised and dismayed Republican senators ‘reluctantly agree’ to implement Bush torture bill Shortly after leading Republican senators who support a slightly anti-torture bill met with the president in his newly created ‘special interrogation’ room, each senator returned to Capitol Hill bloodied and in ‘reluctant support’ of Bush’s staunch pro-torture bill.  “As a Vietnam P.O.W., I can say that I’ve been through a lot of things a person should not have to go through,” said Senator McCain (R-AZ), formerly a leader in the opposition to the Bush torture plan.  “But damn, at least those damn Viet Cong didn’t do a number on my genitals with electric prongs, hot tar and pictures of Barbara Bush bending over naked.  I had to tap out after a good five minutes, which is more than I can say of my wishy-washy colleagues.”  The senators did relent, however, that the ‘documentary’ of Michael Moore bathing ... Keep reading

A few words of advice from your Back Page Editors

by Stephen Carter & Dru Johnston Hi First-Years. College can be tough. We should know.  We’re both fat.  So in order to help you through this tough transition, we’ve compiled a list of some helpful tips that we wish we were given. Sincerely, Dru and Stephen -Do you own a guitar? Play your guitar at every opportunity!  Nobody finds you annoying! -Having trouble deciding which fraternity to rush? We’ve compiled some lesser known pre-requisites for each of them: Phis- You must have your own X-Box Live Headset. Betas-   You must understand the irony of popping your collar. TKEs- You cannot be able to produce a working definition of the word “irony.” Sigs- No Prerequisites. -Did you make a mistake and hook up with someone regrettable? Well that's a little insulting but we had a good time. -Are things not working out between yourself and your roommate? Maybe a little pep in your sex life is just what the doctor ordered. Try ... Keep reading

News Bits

by Alex Henke Pro-wealth Christians evangelize in Beirut, terror level rises A new wave of Americans have reaffirmed their equal love of God and Benzes by taking  “evangelivacations” to Beirut, Lebanon and convincing the local population that God wants all Christians to be rich.  “Sure, my immortal soul is, like, really important,” said Born Again Rich Valley Girl Cher Horowitz, “but, like, so is the fact that I have to remain fashionable.  I mean, like, look at these ugly houses.  God, like, wants them to know that flaming rubble is so out of style.”  In other news, the terror alert increased from “red” to “Oh, fuck.” Microsoft creates new high school entirely out of euphemisms In education news, Microsoft’s recruitment and marketing programs expanded into the world of high school education when it created a high-tech high school in a working-class Philadelphia neighborhood entirely out of paradigm shifts, thinking outside the box, ... Keep reading

Address from the President

by George Bridges Dear First Years et al, First off, I just wanna say: TWO-WESSSSSSSTTTTT!!! By now all you Two-Westers have probably figured out that you’re in that section for a reason. All your application essays pointed to one undeniable fact. You are all insanely badass. Seriously D-Section, how do you sleep at night? Two-West and the Prez agree, you stink. On another note, you returning students may not know that there is a change in Jewett’s fourth floor. Due to an excessive amount of RAs they have added another section. In addition to Four-East and Four-West there is a new section called Far-West. This makes the former Four-West the middle east. We support a free and democratic Four-West. If elections are not held in forty days, you will be bombed. On a lighter note, there have been some serious changes here at Whitman. Let me highlight some of the major ones: - You may remember ... Keep reading