Kyle Seasly


201 by this author

  1. First-year couple staying together Humor May 7, 2015

    It's official. First-years Janet "Jannifer" Reno and William "Billiam" Rogers are staying together for the summer of 2015.

  2. Boy sneezes in Encounters Humor April 30, 2015

    It was 11:37 on a Friday morning in first-year James Leblooze's Encounters section with Tom Davis when something happened that changed Leblooze's life forever. Leblooze had been experiencing mild allergy symptoms but had taken a little Allegra and drank some tea and said later that he felt "genuinely good that ...

  3. Mercyvail resigns Humor April 23, 2015

    It was to the surprise of many normally apathetic Whitman students that President-elect Jack Mercyvail would not be occupying to the ASWC Presidency next fall. In a surprise press conference followed by a solemn brunch on April 21, Mercyvail discussed his reasoning: "I cannot with good conscious ascend to the ...

  4. Whitman College Pioneer given national comedy nods due to Jack Issue’s success Humor April 9, 2015

    Springtime is recognized around the world as a season of rebirth, fresh beginnings and a renewed sense of nymphomania. This spring, however, greeted many Backpage writers with the bitter taste of failure — similar to the taste of octopus droppings (although some cultures do regard this as a delicacy).

  5. Jackpage: Talking to strangers on planes Humor March 12, 2015

    When you fly on a plane, do you prefer the window or aisle seat? Once in my life I totally preferred the aisle. My preference was based on practicality — when you sit in the aisle seat, you don’t have to ask anyone to move when you want to go ...

  6. Kale mutated innocent cerebellum of Whitman-based serial killer Humor March 5, 2015

    When Michelle Ma sent out an email notifying all Whitman students of an "Emergency Alert," most students dismissed it as another mistakingly sent email. Indeed, mere minutes later, she sent out an email apologizing that she had mistakingly sent out the "Emergency Alert" and that everything was "just fine and ...

  7. “Are the trustees reptiles from space?” asks divestors Humor February 26, 2015

    It was a late night for the Whitman Divestment movement a few weeks ago. 8:47 p.m. Way past everyone's bedtime. They were used to divesting right after they showered in the morning (no conditioner allowed!) so their hair and their lifestyle would be oil-free.

  8. Backpage rant: Lifestyle choices survey edition Humor February 19, 2015

    It's that time of year again when the dude who is rumored to be Kriss Kristofferson's long-lost brother sends out an email entitled "Whitman Lifestyle Choices Survey." When one imagines the Whitman lifestyle, a few images come to mind: eating Walla Walla sweet onions on designated Wednesday evenings, playing frisbee ...

  9. George W. Bush lectures at Whitman Art Department Humor February 12, 2015

    Nothing quite says spring like former presidents lecturing at commencement on their post-presidential passions. Few have forgotten President Jimmy Carter's April 1994 speech at Columbia University regarding Habitat for Humanity, or Ulysses S. Grant's lecture titled "I Won the War Drunk" at Harvard University in 1868.

  10. WWPD shuts down rager Humor February 5, 2015

    A typical Whitman Weekend Night consists of the following: hitting up the Taqueria with pals, deciding whether or not to go out for forty minutes, getting ready and drinking cement mixers, staying out from ten to midnight, and then going to bed immediately. The Whitman population spends half of the ...

  11. Library gives away nitrous balloons to start semester Humor January 29, 2015

    Sophomore Enivronment Studies major Billy Fernandez could barely believe his eyes when he walked into the library for the first time this semester. A self-declared "total dead-head, bro," he immediately knew that the balloons hovering over the library walkway were no mere publicity stunt. "Sherlock was my drug dealer's name in Seattle! ...

  12. The Backpage pontificates Humor October 30, 2014

    “Don’t talk about poop when trying to woo a woman. This is day-one stuff, kid.”

  13. Armed with tank, board of trustees attacks protestors Humor October 16, 2014

    Under cover of darkness, on the bottom floor of a dank and poorly lit parking structure, I met a man who referred to himself only as “Cleveland Steamer.” He was an old friend and sometimes source, who worked for the federal government and did not like to be called at ...

  14. The adventures of Hawk and Ham Humor October 3, 2014

    Illustration by Lya Hernandez. Darkness washed down upon the London streets like rain — it was also raining, too, if that was unclear. I mean it was London, it rains all the time there. No wonder the Brits colonized half ...

  15. Neil deGrasse Tyson embraces creationism at Cordiner talk Humor September 18, 2014

    Astronomer Neil deGrasse Tyson surprised many at his talk at Cordiner Hall on Thursday, Sept. 11, when he whole-heartedly embraced creationism as a legitimate origin story and dismissed all of his previous scientific pursuits.

  16. Whitman College partners with Walla Walla Penitentiary Humor September 18, 2014

    Last week, the Whitman campus was shaken as a New York Times’ article ranked Whitman as the least economically diverse college out of a group of more than 90 schools. Though the ranking has drawn criticism, with some arguing that it isn’t a fair assessment as it fails to incorporate ...

  17. Close Reading of Nostradamus Reveals Freshman Will ‘Probably Be Shitty at Partying for about Another 2 Months’ Humor September 11, 2014

    The Whitman founders Marcus and Narcissa themselves were avid readers of Nostradamus. In fact, Marcus’ quote, “My plans require time and distance,” was a shortened version of the original quote cut to make Whitman more appealing to bougie west-coast city dwellers, a conspiracy in its own right.

  18. President Ponts Pledges “New Beginnings” in Final Year Humor September 11, 2014

    There are moments in life that can capture the true nature of a man’s soul. This underpaid reporter experienced one such moment last week. Gazing down upon the plebeian horde below him from his secret office in the Clocktower of the Memorial Building, Whitman College President Jorge Ponts said one ...

  19. Affirmative Action Ruling Maintains Inequality Opinion April 24, 2014

    On March 4, 1801, Thomas Jefferson proclaimed in his first inaugural address, “All, too, will bear in mind this sacred principle, that though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful must be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which ...

  20. Federal Campaign Reform Requires Transparency Opinion April 10, 2014

    Since the Supreme Court defined money as speech in Buckley v. Valeo, United States federal elections have become increasingly more akin to an ad campaign selling the latest American lager than a model republic’s electoral process.

  21. E-cigs Turn Beta Members into X-men Humor Jack Issue April 3, 2014

    Members of the Beta Theta Pi community have developed superhuman powers, of the X-Men variety following a recent obsession with E-Cigarettes.

  22. Obama Displays Steadiness in Crisis Opinion March 6, 2014

    President Obama’s steady hand has helped guide him through a multitude of crises internationally. Although his foreign policies of drone use and internal surveillance are frustrating, his level-headed approach to crises allow him to come out on top.

  23. Lessons of Obama’s Presidency Should Not Be Saved for Farewell Address Opinion February 20, 2014

    When George Orwell first arrived in Barcelona in 1936, as described in "Homage to Catalonia," he believed he had witnessed a legitimate and profound social revolution. “Every shop and café had an inscription saying that it had been collectivized … Waiters and shop-walkers looked you in the face and treated you ...

  24. EDM, Disco Share Cultural Niche Opinion December 12, 2013

    I know I can recall the silly outfit that John Travolta wore on the cover of "Saturday Night Fever". His outfit, which represented the peak of disco of popularity for disco, made it seem like he was emerged from a different, sillier reality. Discothèques or discos emerged in the ...

  25. Buzzfeed Represents Constant Enumeration of Society Opinion December 5, 2013

    Whenever I log on to Facebook these days, I am plagued by a certain terror. People update their statuses with this link to a website that specializes in lists upon lists of useless information. I am talking of course, about the website “BuzzFeed.”

  26. Punk Rock’s Message in Myanmar Opinion Opinion Highlight November 7, 2013

    In George Orwell's essay/short story "Shooting an Elephant," where he was stationed in Burma (now Myanmar), he remarked of the Buddhist priests: "I thought that the greatest joy in the world would be to drive a bayonet into a Buddhist priest's guts." It seems that certain punk rockers in Myanmar ...

  27. Lou Reed: Personal Hero Opinion October 31, 2013

    In my angsty teenage days I remember walking around my high school before class began and blasting “Sister Ray” by the Velvet Underground. I can also recall a band when I was in high school struggling to play “Rock and Roll” by the same New Yorkers.

  28. Banksy Comments on Modern Consumerism Opinion October 17, 2013

    Do you ever judge things by price? Sometimes when feeling spendy I might buy the $4 pasta sauce instead of the two dollar Ragu. I assume that the four dollar sauce is better because the grocery store is charging me more for it, but I really don’t know. I let ...

  29. World Police Return to Libya Opinion October 10, 2013

    If you’ve ever watched "The Simpsons," you know that Homer Simpson has a good heart. He messes up (a lot) often because of poor reasoning or self-interest, but he tries to be better and is rarely ever truly malicious.

  30. Pope Francis Sets New Tone Front Page Slideshow Opinion Opinion Highlight October 3, 2013

    I love sleeping. That's why I hated going to church. Every Sunday I would have to wake up at 8 a.m. and go with my parents down the street to our Catholic church. I didn't mind going to Sunday school, because it would be later in the afternoon. When I ...

  31. Facebook Statuses Self-Promote Opinion September 26, 2013

    If you have a Facebook, you've probably seen certain articulate statuses that say something along the lines of: "uggggggh this is the worst." The poster will get a couple comments that question the person's motivation for this action, asking what is actually wrong, and the poster will not ...

  32. Bon Appétit’s new policy presents dilemma Opinion Opinion Highlight September 19, 2013

    It’s always tough when a situation presents itself as completely unfair. Sometimes one has no words to express the frustrations at a system that intentionally screws people over. That’s how I felt when working at Jewett Dining Hall last Monday night when a co-worker informed me of a change in ...

  33. ‘In Utero’ 20 Years Later Opinion September 12, 2013

    Kurt Cobain, for various reasons, will forever remain somewhat mysterious. He was a killer songwriter, yet admitted blatantly to ripping off the Pixies in a Rolling Stone interview.

  34. Eric Idle: the Pio Interview A&E A&E Highlight Circuit Front Page Slideshow May 13, 2013

    The commencement speaker and Whitman parent sits down with the Pio to talk writing, comedy and strange graduation rituals.

  35. Backpage Stages Coup of the Pio Humor May 2, 2013

    Last night, on the last production night of the year, the Backpage finally thwarted communism once and for all. Assisted by CIA agents and various members of a dogfighting ring, the Backpage staff members successfully staged a coup against the left-leaning “communist” senior Rachel Alexander and installed junior Shelly Le ...

  36. Humans vs. Zombies Keg Sneak Humor April 25, 2013

    Everyone knows what “4/20” means. And on Saturday, it had a very interesting twist… A keg sneak! Indeed, as everyone knows 4/20 was the start of the fad that is “Humans vs. Zombies.”

  37. Whitman Students Have No Idea What Divestment Even Is Humor April 18, 2013

    Students have no idea what divestment is... and quote movies!

  38. Virgins Are Immoral Jack Issue March 28, 2013

    If you're not having sex, you're not doing your part to move society forward.

  39. Team Nicotine Gears Up Jack Issue March 28, 2013

    Team Nicotine is gearing up for the new season. Indeed, the smokers are preparing the for rigorous spring season. One member is excited, but nervous. [caption id="attachment_67751" align="alignright" width="300"] Photos by cade beck.[/caption] “With spring arriving, you can really stay ...

  40. Top Five Places to Poop on Campus Humor February 27, 2013

    5. Tong Head in Tau Kappa Epsilon. Not only does it provide a great view of the majestic TKE parking lot, but it also has awesome shower curtains instead of stall doors. That way, you can pilot and co-pilot the pooper with someone. Plus, you're literally shitting on TKE! And ...

  41. ASWC Debates Student Phi Humor February 21, 2013

    “I’m pretty confused,” were the first words out of senior Phi Phan’s mouth in an exclusive Skype via satellite in high-def 20 bit per second streamed through youtube interview with the Backpage, when he was informed that ASWC was “debating him.” “Is this some type of sick joke? The people ...

  42. FIDLAR record review A&E Reviews February 14, 2013

    FIDLAR’s eponymous debut album leads with the track “Cheap Beer,” whose chorus echoes “I drink/ cheap beer/ so what/ [expletive] you,”  which sets the tone for the entire album. The song sounds like the Dead Kennedys moved to So-Cal, stopped caring about ...

  43. Freshman Girl Goes On Best Date Of All Time Humor February 14, 2013

    Gathered around a Prentiss Dining Hall brunch table, Jewett Hall resident Gabriela Stevens revealed to her friends that she had gone on “THE BEST DATE EVER” the previous evening. Later, in an exclusive Skype session with the Backpage’s romance expert, she revealed the intimate details of this apparent Romeo “without ...

  44. Whitman Republican Tarred and Feathered Humor February 7, 2013

    Last Sunday evening, sophomore Harvey Riley was coming home from youth group when he was stopped by an angry mob. The mob, led by vegan, communist, medical marijuana advocate, gluten-free feminist and former junior varsity badminton player senior Jessica Partridge, confronted Riley because he is a Republican.

  45. Freshman Males Claim to Enjoy Sex Humor November 29, 2012

    In a recent survey conducted by ASWC, it seems freshman males are overwhelmingly enjoying the act of coitus.

  46. George Lucas Admits He’s a Dirty Whore for Four Billion Humor November 15, 2012

    What’s the difference between the cast of "Jackass" and George Lucas? George Lucas will do anything for money. Indeed, it seems that the creator of "Star Wars" has completely sold out … again.

  47. Obama Carries Utah in Electoral College, Analysts Speculate Because of Last-Minute Switch of Stance on Polygamy Humor November 5, 2012

    Though downplayed as an “outdated issue” and an old stereotype of Mormons, polygamy finally entered the political ring on Monday night when President Obama announced that he was officially changing his stance on the issue, and that he and Oprah Winfrey are getting married.

  48. Exclusive Interview with Marshall Davis Humor October 31, 2012

    Once in a lifetime, the Backpage gets an interview with someone more important than Jesus, Mohammed, Buddha, Joseph Smith, Krishna and Kurt Russell combined. Unfortunately, we did not get the interview with Bayvon Kehroozian we were hoping for. Instead, we got the Joe Biden of ASWC, the elusive nitty gritty ...

  49. Renaissance Society and Outhouse Join Forces to Make Wiping with Left Hand Cool Again Humor October 25, 2012

    Medieval reenactment nerds and environmental activists have few things in common, those being wearing outdated clothes, walking around like they own the place and believing in fairy tree spirits. Recently, however, the Environmental House (a.k.a. the “Outhouse”) and Whitman’s Renaissance society have teamed up to bring back “wiping with the ...

  50. Nascar insitutes minimum BAC level Humor October 18, 2012

    Shakespeare once said that alcohol “provokes the desire but ... takes away the performance.” I don't know what he was talking about there, but obviously Shakespeare didn't think about NASCAR when he said that it would take away from the performance.

  51. DEA study declares: “Texting and Driving gets you higher than heroin” Humor October 4, 2012

    It’s late at night, and you’re out for a drive by yourself. You see a car swerve in front of you. You look to see a glint of a bottle in your headlights, but instead you just see the glow of a cell phone.

  52. Senior math major estimates he’ll graduate in 7 dog years Humor September 27, 2012

    Senior math major Dhavan Cue's thesis has had a serious impact on the greater math community and “also the world.”

  53. Whitman to change mascot to ‘Reverse Cowgirl’ Humor September 20, 2012

    That one guy who wears the bow-tie announced recently that Whitman College would “finally be changing that awful mascot.”

  54. Whitman administrator caught “red-dotting” Humor April 1, 2012

    It's springtime and love is in the air. At least that's what a Whitman administrator kept shouting last weekend when she showed up to an all-campus party, followed by, “Let's do one more shot!” The administrator, who will remain unnamed, broke several campus rules when she decided to attend an all ...

  55. Open primaries encourage manipulation of democratic process Opinion March 5, 2012

    [caption id="attachment_47689" align="aligncenter" width="615" caption="Illustration: Ariel Carter-Rodriguez"][/caption] About a week ago, my dad sent me an article encouraging Democrats in Michigan (my home state) to vote for Rick Santorum in the Republican primary. Since Michigan has ...

  56. Louis CK promotes artistic integrity via self-distribution Opinion March 1, 2012

    Comedian Louis CK's self-release of a comedy show, free from the channels of any agent or label, demonstrates the exiting possibilities for the internet for independently creative exploits.

  57. Same-sex marriage headed to supreme court, to be decided by one man Opinion February 16, 2012

    If and when the decision on prop 8 comes before the supreme court, the decision of one justice will mean everything for the gay marriage fight.

  58. Beer, music industries have same indie history Opinion February 2, 2012

    Both the beer and music industries have been able to successfully market a striking variety of taste-specific products, and for strikingly specific reasons.

  59. RIP Steve Jobs: Technical rock star Opinion Opinion Highlight November 3, 2011

    When I think "rock star," I think of moments such as Paul Simonon smashing his bass on the cover of "London Calling," John Lennon's bed-in with Yoko Ono, or Bob Dylan's responding "play it [expletive] loud" to fans booing him for going electric. What unites these moments are the expressions ...

  60. Students bring GlobeMed chapter to Whitman Front Page Slideshow News September 15, 2011

    Whitman students Colleen Bell and Kaitlan Benner have started a new GlobeMed chapter at Whitman. GlobeMed is a network of university students across the United States who partner with grassroots organizations around the world to improve the health of people living in poverty.


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