Whitman news since 1896

Retaliation Against Systematic Oppression of White Males

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
May 5, 2016
Filed under Humor

Whitman is known for its active student body, but one group especially feels that it has not received the recognition it deserves. The Whitman White Male Club will be hosting an all day protest next Tuesday. “We feel like recognition of the struggles that white men go through is underrepresented here at ... Read more »

15 Ways that a Thesis Lowers Your Standards

Austin Biehl, staff writer
May 5, 2016
Filed under Humor

Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash. You pee sitting down just to have a brief moment of rest. You stop washing dishes and instead start eating off of other household objects. You commence an eight page research paper on the day that it is due because any document less than 60 p... Read more »

Trustees want YOU! (to think they care)

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
May 5, 2016
Filed under Humor

Whitman has recently undergone a number of name changes to the various campus institutions that promote a history of colonialism and a general white supremacist attitude. There’s that fun line slash thing in the title of The Pioneer, and we’ve confirmed in several ground breaking studies that, ... Read more »

Spin, Donut, Spin

Jack Swain, staff writer
May 5, 2016
Filed under Humor

Jack lived alone in a small house at the end of the block, adjacent to the convenience store. Inside the convenience store was a sign shaped like a pink donut. The sign would spin, around and around, day and night, without stopping, for ever and ever. As Jack fell asleep, he would watch the sign spin... Read more »

Gummy Overdrive: And Now, the Weather

Gummy Overdrive: And Now, the Weather

April 30, 2016
Filed under Humor

Comic by Lya Hernandez... Read more »

Wolves Successfully Observe Sabbath, Crush Heathens

Austin Biehl, staff writer
April 28, 2016
Filed under Humor

Last Saturday the WWU Wolves faced off against the Whitman Missionaries in a Club Volleyball match that once again proved the necessity of the #prayforwhitman campaign so generously instigated by the WWU student body. The Wolves left the match with broad smiles and a deeper sense of faith, ready to give t... Read more »

God kinda busy right now, so hold on just a sec

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer
April 28, 2016
Filed under Humor

According to reports, God (of Heavenly Father fame), is kinda busy right now, so you’re just gonna have to hold on for a couple of minutes, ok? Telling reporters that the number of prayers he’s received in the last few weeks is just “too much,” even for a supreme, all-knowing being such as himse... Read more »

Two Cats in the Nighttime

Jack Swain, staff writer
April 28, 2016
Filed under Humor

Enter the scene: two vivacious, rapscallious alley cats descend a long brick staircase, old and worn, full of new-growth weeds and dandelions, finding their way among the cracks, surviving on just enough, simply being there, no clear purpose or destiny or motivations, just soaking it all in, good-for-nothing... Read more »

Whitties Helping Non-Whitties

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
April 28, 2016
Filed under Humor

As a humor writer for the Whitman College Pioneer (we’d love input on a less-racist name change, by the way), I am a vociferous proponent for making fun of the Whitman student body. Every day, I am bombarded with potential jokes about the various absurdities of living in this Birkenstoked hive min... Read more »

I Will Cut Your Hair For Free

Jack Swain, staff writer
April 21, 2016
Filed under Humor

  I walked along the river. The sun was out, and it sparkled across the surface of the water. Two old men exchanged a glance through the shop window. She ran the needle again and again through the deep, red fabric. Blowing softly in the breeze. The owls are in cahoots. The boys t... Read more »

Prentiss Introduces Penetration Themed Study Breaks

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
April 21, 2016
Filed under Humor

As Whitman College begrudgingly catches up with the twenty-first century by removing such highly visible vestiges of colonialism as the mascot and the name of this newspaper, efforts have been directed towards rehabilitating the image of Prentiss Hall. For years now, the all-women’s dormitory has bee... Read more »

ASWC Passes Pio Bylaw, Gets Off

Austin Biehl, Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writers
April 21, 2016
Filed under Humor

The night of April 17 will go down in history as the freakin’ Independence Day for members of the small, deformed, name-ambiguous situation that is The Pioneer. Queen Clarra May sent out an email to The Pio listserv declaring, “I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! But... Read more »

Whitman news since 1896
Humor