Whitman news since 1896

Gummy Overdrive: And Now, the Weather

Gummy Overdrive: And Now, the Weather

April 30, 2016
Filed under Humor

Comic by Lya Hernandez... Read more »

Wolves Successfully Observe Sabbath, Crush Heathens

Austin Biehl, staff writer
April 28, 2016
Filed under Humor

Last Saturday the WWU Wolves faced off against the Whitman Missionaries in a Club Volleyball match that once again proved the necessity of the #prayforwhitman campaign so generously instigated by the WWU student body. The Wolves left the match with broad smiles and a deeper sense of faith, ready to give t... Read more »

God kinda busy right now, so hold on just a sec

Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer
April 28, 2016
Filed under Humor

According to reports, God (of Heavenly Father fame), is kinda busy right now, so you’re just gonna have to hold on for a couple of minutes, ok? Telling reporters that the number of prayers he’s received in the last few weeks is just “too much,” even for a supreme, all-knowing being such as himse... Read more »

Two Cats in the Nighttime

Jack Swain, staff writer
April 28, 2016
Filed under Humor

Enter the scene: two vivacious, rapscallious alley cats descend a long brick staircase, old and worn, full of new-growth weeds and dandelions, finding their way among the cracks, surviving on just enough, simply being there, no clear purpose or destiny or motivations, just soaking it all in, good-for-nothing... Read more »

Whitties Helping Non-Whitties

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
April 28, 2016
Filed under Humor

As a humor writer for the Whitman College Pioneer (we’d love input on a less-racist name change, by the way), I am a vociferous proponent for making fun of the Whitman student body. Every day, I am bombarded with potential jokes about the various absurdities of living in this Birkenstoked hive min... Read more »

I Will Cut Your Hair For Free

Jack Swain, staff writer
April 21, 2016
Filed under Humor

  I walked along the river. The sun was out, and it sparkled across the surface of the water. Two old men exchanged a glance through the shop window. She ran the needle again and again through the deep, red fabric. Blowing softly in the breeze. The owls are in cahoots. The boys t... Read more »

Prentiss Introduces Penetration Themed Study Breaks

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
April 21, 2016
Filed under Humor

As Whitman College begrudgingly catches up with the twenty-first century by removing such highly visible vestiges of colonialism as the mascot and the name of this newspaper, efforts have been directed towards rehabilitating the image of Prentiss Hall. For years now, the all-women’s dormitory has bee... Read more »

ASWC Passes Pio Bylaw, Gets Off

Austin Biehl, Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writers
April 21, 2016
Filed under Humor

The night of April 17 will go down in history as the freakin’ Independence Day for members of the small, deformed, name-ambiguous situation that is The Pioneer. Queen Clarra May sent out an email to The Pio listserv declaring, “I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! But... Read more »

Sheehan Gallery Presents New Pretentious Modern Art

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
April 21, 2016
Filed under Humor

In order to increase the number of visitors that flow through Sheehan Art Gallery like nonexistent molasses, the Whitman art department is announcing some new installations of modern student art. The director, Arthur Galeria, hopes to rebrand the gallery in a way that will appeal more to the pompous... Read more »

How to Get Rid Of Your Prospie

Clara Wheeler, staff writer
April 14, 2016
Filed under Humor

Ugh. It’s the weekend, time to have fun, but you’re saddled with a prospie that follows you everywhere like an ugly duckling. But this is one baby duck that won’t be swooped up by a crow and leave you blissfully free to go to TKE’s rad party. However, don’t kiss your drunken festivities goodby... Read more »

Admissions Whitman Reveals Itself

Austin Biehl, staff writer
April 14, 2016
Filed under Humor

As we all know, Whitman is an abysmal place to be between the end of October and the middle of March. It’s cold, rainy and a thick wet fog settles over everything, carrying with it the scents of decay and loneliness. Yet on Whitman’s website it appears that we live in a bubble of sunshine, Frisbees and ... Read more »

Prospie Season Has Sprung

Megumi Rierson, staff writer
April 14, 2016
Filed under Humor

With the advent of the 2016 prospie season comes an influx of bright-eyed prospective Whitman students who still live in the blissful universe of having people actually care about their ACT scores. Prospies are a godsend to this campus for myriad reasons, whether we want to admit it or not. For the a... Read more »