Juneau: Unless you’re of drinking age, Juneau is a pretty dull place. Even if you’re of drinking age, it’s kind of depressing.
Anchorage: Awful. Just awful. Not only is this city colder than balls pretty much year-round, it looks like it was laid out by stoned fourth graders. A shopping mall next to a prison next to a school next to a shoe store? Really, Los Anchorage? Never go here.
Haines: Haines is okay by me. The town is nice, the people are attractive and it’s within driving distance of a decent fire- works stand. Nice work, Haines.

Pelican: This place is fucking insane. Year-round, 128 people live in Pelican, yet it still manages to support five function- ing bars and liquor stores. Every year they host a music festival called the Boardwalk Boogie, featuring bands from all across Alaska. It’s kind of like Sasquatch, only instead drawing a bunch of stoned college students, the Boardwalk Boogie mostly draws sad alcoholics who either have been or will be convicted of domestic abuse.

Sitka: Great community, delicious food, and adorable children. Think Grover’s Corners but with fewer ghosts. Also, IT IS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, and the people there will probably not murder you or try to sell you drugs.

Peace, love and study breaks! -Kelly

P.S. Don’t forget that tonight’s study break is Worm Cups!! 8 p.m.!

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 2009 12:11:35 -0800
Guys, whoever took my True Religion jeans out of the laundry room and left the room covered in blood, a) I NEED THOSE BACK THEY WERE EXPENSIVE and b) GROSS!

- Natasha

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 2009 12:11:35 -0800
Hey guys,
Is anybody driving to the nearest safe zone? My roommates are infected, I’m pret- ty sure my family is dead or dying and I really just need to get away from here. I’ll bring Doritos Cool Ranch and Slim Jims and I just got the new Shakira album AND I pay for GAS AND AMMO!!!:-)!!

Zeke

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 2009 12:11:35 -0800
Hi ladies! (And Sven!) Here is an update on cute Jewett boys who are still alive: Mitchell, Brian, Bryan, Zeke, Roshan, Adam, Chuckie, Spencer, Harrison

- Ashley

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 2009 12:11:35 -0800
Hey “Friends,” Isn’t it weird how all of a sudden I’ve become sooooo popular! Nobody wanted to
invite me to the wheat fields last week because it was “creepy” when I practiced as- sembling my firearms in the study lounge. Thanks for letting me know, “bro to bro” that I scared all your lady friends, Zeke, but I needed to prepare for the day you said would never come!
AND SUDDENLY I HAVE EIGHT GIRLFRIENDS!
This is to let you know that I will only continue to offer my protection if all the girls stop talking to Zeke. Over and Out.

-Derrick “Blade Fist” Flowers

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 2009 12:11:35 -0800
RA UPDATE! Great job at the rap assembly guys! That was a tough battle! PROUD. OF. YOU! Also, I went down to 2-West to investigate the smell and unfortunately Zeke,
(remember Zeke?) dragged his torso up to me using only the stumps of his forearms and told me that everyone there is dead. So our Ping-Pong tournament is postponed. :( HAPPY BIRTHDAY NATASHA!!!

- Kelly

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 2009 12:11:35 -0800
Dear “Friends,” Looks like our RA is infected. That’s what you get for talking to Pooka-necklace-
cheezballs like Zeke. If the girls continue tearfully building their “mourning alter” for him, I’m going to
stop bringing home squirrel or duck meat for any of you. -Derrick “Blade Fist” Flowers

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 2009 12:11:35 -0800
Guys, whoever took my human vertebrae necklace out of the lounge and left Kelly’s shot-up corpse on the table a) I NEED THAT BACK IT WAS FROM ZEKE and b) UR DISGUSTING.

- Natasha

———- Forwarded message ———-
Date: Tue, 1 Dec 2009 12:11:35 -0800
Hi ladies! (And Sven!) Here is an update on cute Jewett boys who aren’t cute but are still capable of repro- duction for the sake of future generations: Zeke’s leftover semen, Derrick “Blade Fist” Flowers

-Ashley

In the spirit of encouraging diversity, I feel that Club Latino’s celebration of the Cuban Missile Crisis, the “Cinco de Mayo” festival (to be held on the fifth of May), could perhaps do more to represent Latino culture. Looking over the planned events, I see that it mostly involves musical acts, cake and something called “tamales.” I’m not exactly sure what a tamale is, but it sounds very spicy. I suggest that instead you choose a food that all students can recognize as diverse. Perhaps burritos? Quesadillas? Does Taco Bell cater?

Let’s not mince words. Your club is essential to promoting diversity at Whitman. Why are you hiding your diversity? We can’t afford to waste funds on non-diverse activities. And if you’re non-diverse, you’re anti-di- verse. Why are you anti-diversity?

Having taken Alternative Core one and a half times, I went ahead and drew up a list of things you can do to really kick your diversity up a notch:

Battle Star Galactica Marathon, because I’m 80 percent sure Admiral Adama is Latino, which brings up all sorts of questions about whether or not Lee Adama was adopted, but I digress.

• Mexican-American War-themed water balloon fight
• International Burrito Festival (featuring burritos from around the world)
• Marc Anthony children’s choir tribute
• Spanish pronunciation workshop taught by Dora the Explorer
• Telemundo viewing exploration
• Spanish language soap opera themed party (bring makeup and a gun!)
• Crêpe party

I really think you guys can do this. I believe in you.

Also, one more thing. I love piñatas. I can still remember my first piñata party—whoo boy—and I have been passionately interested in your culture ever since. If there are two things this campus could use more of, it’s piñatas and diversity.

Diversely yours, Abe Johnson ASWC Executive Public Representation Chair

I saw you eating your boca burger and reading “The Odyssey” (by Homer). I was wearing Birkenstocks, ath- letic shorts and a Whitman hoodie. I think you were with your boyfriend. I love Homer. Did you know he was blind? Crazy! If you will be my Circe, I will be your Odysseus. Please send photograph for confirmation.

Sherwood Climbing Wall – M4W – 20

Oh my god, you are agile. Me: chalked hands. You: free climbing on the wall behind me. I think we talked once at an Ultimate party. You are a geo major, right? Maybe we can run (or climb) into each other on purpose. I’d love to belay you before winter break.

Ankeny Field – M4W – 22

You were playing Ultimate Frisbee in your sports bra last Saturday after- noon. I was the guy smoking cigarettes
on the bench in front of Jewett. I feel like we’re from different worlds, similar to the main love interests in “Titanic.” Maybe I can “paint” you wearing a “necklace” sometime. I could (and will) continue to watch you in silence, or—if you’re willing to ditch your jock friends—we can make this real by watching my copy of “The Royal Tennenbaums” (Criterion Collection).

Library – M4W – 21

We were both pulling an all-nighter. I ran out of work to do around 3 a.m., but I stayed for the rest of the night just to look at you. You might remember me as the guy sitting across the quiet room looking at you. I’d like to write a paper about your eyes; you have the biggest boobs I have ever seen. You should come over and sign my book sometime, or if you want something more discreet I’ll be on the fourth floor of the library tomorrow at 4 a.m. ;)

SigmaChi–M4M–19

Bro. You were the bro with the backwards baseball cap, cargo shorts and muscle-T. I was the bro shotgunning beers with the freshmen pledges. We played a game of beer pong and you totally cleaned my clock. I respect you a lot for that, bro. Let’s bro out sometime. Or fuck.

Your Off-Campus House – W4M –18

Remember me? We hooked up last night after the Cat Party. I think you are a senior. I had to leave early—as you suggested—to write an Encounters paper. It was nice sleeping in a bed larger than twin-sized; maybe we can do it again sometime. Also, I left my phone and ID card somewhere in your room last night—I really need to get both of those back. We have class together on Tuesdays and Thursdays; maybe I could get those from you then. Accept my friend request on Facebook if you’re interested!

Janice Kirkpatrick:
I needed foam for my wedding recep- tion and I just couldn’t find anybody who was up to my standards. All of
the other foam experts were either too watery or too solid. Thank god I found the Foam Guy on Craig’s list at the last second! At first I was a little skeptical of his request that I pay him only in cash under the light of the full moon, but it worked out great! My husband’s family was extremely impressed with the quality of the foam.

Ryan Shemp:
We were throwing a surprise party for Grandma’s 75th and I didn’t know what to do! Grandma’s done about everything under the sun, and I couldn’t think of anything that would surprise her in just the right way. Then, I saw an advertisement for the Foam Guy in the back pages of an erotic Brazilian graphic novel! I’ll admit that initially I was sort of creeped out by his hook for a hand, but he certainly got the job done. Grandma had a great time slipping and sliding around in the foam while people ground to loud techno all around her. Thanks Foam Guy!

Nancy Pelosi:
We considered hiring the Foam Guy for the inaugural ball. Really, he was the first choice. I’ve used him before at a few of my private functions. Unfortunately, the President was concerned that we know so little about him. After extensive research and background checks, all we could figure out was that no one has ever seen him outside during the daytime and that apparently his face is incapable of producing tears. Michelle and I were rooting for him, but the President said no. It’s too bad. I was really looking forward to getting my foam on.

Clark Freeman:
Yeah, uh… I run a local car wash, right down on east Isaacs, and I guess I didn’t really understand what his ad meant by “the foam guy”. I sort of assumed that it would be a soap and water service or something to do with washing cars, but that wasn’t it at all. He just showed up with his pet tiger and fancy Foam machine, talking about where we could set it up so it would be away from the speakers but still close enough for all the half-naked people to dance. I won’t lie, I had a great time, but it wasn’t exactly what I was looking for.

“It’s almost here,” says Donna Cummins. “The Great Migration.”

Cummins is referring to one of the most important events in the life of a Whitman College student: the release of a graduating senior into the wild.

“The release is definitely something to watch,” says Cummins. “These students have been kept in captivity for the past eighteen years, their needs closely monitored and wants satisfied. They’ve been fed a steady diet, been carefully socialized, and participated in numerous experiments. We’ve done all that we can for them. The real test is what they do out there without us.”

Of course, that doesn’t mean that the new alums are on their own: each individual is fitted with a radio collar for further observation during their first few years of freedom. This move, while drastic, is considered necessary, as the sudden transition from a stable environment to an uncertain future can come as a shock to graduates. Although most adjust after time, there have been reports of twenty-somethings suffering from depression, early onset of alcoholism, and repeated viewings of Zach Braff films.

But as Cummins explains, it’s part of the circle of life.

“We can’t take care of them forever. It’s difficult for many students to adjust, having imprinted like that. But they have to leave sometime.”

Although this is an annual event, many administrators still find the process difficult.

“It’s so hard to say goodbye,” says Dean of Students Chuck Cleveland, wiping a tear from his eye. “My babies are all grown up.”

The duo was apprehended in the Pio offices early last Friday morning, hurriedly putting the finishing touches on their last section. Splashed across computer screens were partially Photoshopped images bearing titles including “Is it time to burn (as in make jokes about) (George) Bridges?” and
“Audience Bored at Annual Choral YAWN-test.” The time was 3 AM.

“They didn’t even put up a fight,” reported Editor-in-Chief Kim Sommers. “It was like they knew we were coming for them.” Added co-editor Jamie Soukup, “Thank God. We were prepared to use force if necessary. Cartwright’s small, but he can get scrappy when he’s cornered.”

Hatheway and Cartwright are now securely incarcerated in their decrepit off-campus house, where they will remain until commencement. Even with this knowledge, the campus still bears the scars of the atrocities they have committed.

“Finally,” said visibly relieved junior Alex Kerr. “I mean, I like puns and pictures of cute animals as much as the next person, but every week? Come on!”

“At least they had Sam Alden to add a smattering of class to their usual hackneyed tripe,” continued Kerr, looking over his shoulder momentarily to ensure that it was safe to speak. “Sorry about that. I just feel like they’re out for me all the time or something.”

The disgraced ex-editors have yet to make any public statements regarding their ousting. However, housemate Kevin Moore has the inside scoop.

“They’ve just been sitting around peacefully, with these serene looks on their faces. I think they’ve accepted their fates at this point.”

History majors on campus are equating this turn of events with such landmarks for freedom and good taste as the fall of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Chinese Cultural Revolution.

“I think that’s almost giving them too much credit,” said Sommers. “I mean, we only hired them back because nobody else applied for the job.”

“Hey,” one student said, clearing his throat loudly, “do you know that in a group there’s a collective silence like, once every seven minutes?”

“I think that’s just something people say to fill the space,” another quickly added, a look of desperation on her face as her forced laughter faded.

Much to everyone’s relief, the music started up again soon after.

To show approval during meetings, ASWC will begin knocking on tables instead of “making it rain” hundred dollar bills into a pit of fire

Champagne hot tub donated to local charity

Team-building trip to Atlantis probably canceled

Elliott Okantey to sell pet griffin, in exchange for smaller griffin

Pool full of sharks downgraded to pool full of piranhas

ASWC now to serve Franzia at meetings, instead of Montrachet 1978

1) They are NOT the most expensive team per athlete. The data that implied they were didn’t count coaches salaries.

2) They were never given a warning or a chance to try and save the school money – they had no idea.

Whatever, you cash-guzzling snow-fiends, we did some research. Here comes a blizzard of facts: COLD AND HARD!

HOW MUCH MONEY IS THE SKI TEAM HIDING FROM US?

Real Value of Ski Team:

$15 k for each of the four teams

Potential Value:

Value on eBay of Warren McDermott’s highly-oxygenated blood if sold at about 12 dollars per pint: $30,000
Nobody really knows how many pints are in the human body, but look at him. Dude has hella pints.

Money to be made by intentionally losing to the easily-bribed Vassar: $10,000

The value of friendship: $700

Retail value of Anti-Global-Warming-Machine that has thus far prevented global snow melt: $2,000

* When Snider planned a surprise candle-lit budget meeting, and the Ski Team got home late from skiing, AGAIN, it didn’t even ask why all the good silverware was out.

* Snider left out a copy of Cosmo in the ski team locker room with the page open to a quiz called “How to know if Your Man is Spending Too Much on Skiing to Reasonably Fit Into the Budget of a Small College”

* When the Ski Team left a generous tip for a waitress, Snider rolled his eyes, then vehemently denied that he was upset about anything, even though he didn’t say another word until they left Applebees.

* Snider dreamily mentioned how “impressed” he was with Bode Miller’s fiscal responsibility

* When Snider and the Ski Team went to see Iron Man, he stared at the team for, like, a full minute during the part where Tony Stark goes over budget

* When the Ski Team came home from shopping, Snider asked if HE could borrow money for ski poles for once, but then said, “Just kidding, just kidding,” and went back to reading The Lovely Bones.

* When Snider asked the ski team to try on a budget from a few years ago, the one he really used to like. When the ski team responded that it had gotten too big, Snyder raised his eyebrows and muttered something about how the ski team at his last school could probably still fit into that budget.

“I have no problem with people using my words as part of daily conversation. In fact, it’s sort of flattering,” said Vonnegut through a spirit medium. “But as a person who made my living through my creativity, I have to draw the line somewhere between imitation and exploitation. I used ‘So it goes’ one hundred sixteen times in that book, so I find it hard to imagine that quarterlife thought they could just slip this one by.”

A spokesperson for the student staff at quarterlife had a different view of the matter. “Honestly, I don’t mean to dance on a grave or anything, but it’s ridiculous to try to exercise copyright on vernacular. Besides, we don’t even have a budget besides what ASWC gives us, so I don’t know what sort of royalties he’s expecting to get.”

As the court date draws nearer, quarterlife employees seem content to wait and trust that things will work out in their favor. “So it goes,” said one, as an additional ghostly litigation materialized from the ether.

According to Dwayne Meyers, lead programmer for GH:IC at Activision, “the real trick to the game is to balance your growing popularity with your musical roots. You know, be cool without selling out.” As the game progresses, the band will have to impress college radio station DJs, Pitchfork reviewers, and audience members with Youtube accounts, all the while without creating a sound that’s too catchy or accessible.  After all, you wouldn’t want to get played on the radio too much.

As students finish their third week of classes, Whitman College officials announced at a school-wide gathering this morning that the college has made it this far into the new year without a single national controversy, negative portrayal in the media, or even listserv squabble among the student body.

To what do we owe this newfound era of harmony? I took to Ankeny to ask the students.

“Barack!” said some jubilantly. “Drink!” said others nearby, who have apparently concocted some sort of Barack Obama-and-new-national-era-of-hope-based drinking game.

For an astute few, however, the answer is far more surprising.

“I think it’s because there wasn’t a Symposium this year,” said one student who preferred to remain anonymous. When asked to elaborate, the student responded, “Frankly, no one knows what’s offensive anymore.”

The absence of the Symposium has been noted by many other students. The situation was even commented on via the students listserv at the beginning of the semester, but the writer’s opinion was calmly noted and reflected upon by the student body rather than provoking a vitreous response as seen in years past. 

“Without the Symposium, I really don’t know how best to incite the rage of my fellow students,” said one notorious rabble-rouser. “At this point it’s just easier to be nice to people.”

Stooping to help a fellow student collect the contents of her spilled schoolbag, the malcontent added, “I guess it’s just a brighter era all across the board with a puppy in the White House.”