TKE puts Pio staff on probation
The Tau Kappa Epsilon (TKE) fraternity has placed The Pioneer on probation for questionable goings-on during the infamous Pioneer Initiation Week, a representative said on Wednesday.
“The initiation is really getting out of hand,” a junior TKE member declared in a subsequent press conference. “Someone has got to step in and put a stop to this insanity. Someone’s gotta step up and protect those poor little freshmen.”
When asked to elaborate on the nature of the initiation rites in question, a sophomore replied: “I am not at liberty to expound on these details; suffice it to say TKE is ashamed of them.”
When pressed, the sophomore finally produced the following list of near-deadly hazing techniques:
LEDGER OF ATROCITIES
- Consuming four printed copies of The Pioneer with nothing but Siracha sauce and a spork
- Cat training (sit, stay, pay attention to me)
- Receiving atomic wedgies and being forced to go a whole day without picking them
- Fashioning a pair of shoes out of Gouda cheese and wearing them to the Small, Furry Rodent Convention in Walla Walla
- Three rounds of “Napalm Pong”
- The Cinnamon Challenge, Saltine Challenge and Chubby Bunny all at the same time
- Various and sundry wet willies, swirlies and noogies
“They’re behaving like animals,” a TKE pledge said of upperclassmen on the Pio staff, who were conveniently unavailable for comment. “We at TKE decided to put a stop to it.”
A first-year news writer did step forward, however, to offer his firsthand account of the hazing.
“It was terrible,” he wailed. “They told us to write a 200-400 word article this week by a specific time. Then they said they’d post it for the whole school to see.”
Showering tears of embarrassment and shame, he continued: “Then they said they’d repeat this again, and again and again, all year long. I don’t think I can take much more of this.”
Various students claim that they would pass by the Pio office and, behind curtained windows, hear the cackles of Editor-in-Chief Patricia Vanderbilt and Humor Editor Adam Brayton. Brayton is known in seven states and three countries by his alias, “Puzzle Slut.” In Morocco he is on record as being named “Tits” and for having done some really bad stuff at a news organization in Marrakech.
Investigations will continue as to the specifics of the goings-on in the Pioneer staff room this past week. Until then, TKE is going to keep a close eye on the paper.
A TKE junior publicly made this solemn declaration: “We will scour every article of every page of every paper until we get to the bottom of this.”
Filed under: Humor