News Bits
by Alex Henke
Pro-wealth Christians evangelize in Beirut, terror level rises
A new wave of Americans have reaffirmed their equal love of God and Benzes by taking “evangelivacations” to Beirut, Lebanon and convincing the local population that God wants all Christians to be rich. “Sure, my immortal soul is, like, really important,” said Born Again Rich Valley Girl Cher Horowitz, “but, like, so is the fact that I have to remain fashionable. I mean, like, look at these ugly houses. God, like, wants them to know that flaming rubble is so out of style.” In other news, the terror alert increased from “red” to “Oh, fuck.”
Microsoft creates new high school entirely out of euphemisms
In education news, Microsoft’s recruitment and marketing programs expanded into the world of high school education when it created a high-tech high school in a working-class Philadelphia neighborhood entirely out of paradigm shifts, thinking outside the box, and $63 million. Noted PTA member and guitarist Roger Waters described the vocabulary-altering phenomenon: “Everything’s changed. Teachers are called ‘educators,’ students are called ‘learners,’ and, all in all, you’re just another ‘constructive piece’ in the … wall … of learning.”
Pope bashes Canada for gay marriage and abortion, Americans ask what a “Canada” is
Shortly after the Pope criticized Canada’s liberal policies towards same-sex marriage and abortion, Americans asked what, exactly, was a Canada. “Now, I’m always one for an intelligent discussion,” stated Detroit native David Jones, “but before I agree or disagree with his Holiness, what’s a Canada, and why should I care?” A Canada responded to A merica’s ignorance by annexing A laska and forcing it to vote in A socialist policy.
Democrats criticize ABC for airing conservative bullshit instead of liberal bullshit
The evil corporate hegemony Disney is being attacked and praised by an array of even-more-evil-and-hegemonic-than-a-corporate-hegemony politicians and pundits for refusing to cut its 9/11 miniseries on ABC. Noted opiate connoisseur and general fatty mcfatterson Rush Limbaugh lauded the show for its shots at the liberal side, saying, “I’m glad Clinton’s sexcapades finally get the media attention they deserve, because he’s a bad man with his constant sex with many girls … I’m so lonely. My only friend is Mr. Mallomar.” On the other side of the fence, former motha fuckin’ P.I.M.P. Bill Clinton criticized the series for the fact that its falsehoods were directed against liberals. Clinton commented, “All right, major news media. You had your fun with the whole Monica thing, but that was legit. You’re only supposed to make up bullshit about the Republicans.”
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