Deposed: For tyranny, crimes against humor, wearing white after Labor Day, making a general mess of things, petty theft, failure to accept criticism etc., etc.
For the past year and a half, so-called “editors” Sarah Hatheway and Evan Cartwright have ruled the humor section of the Whitman Pioneer with an iron first. Now, we are thrilled to report their reign of terror has ended.
The duo was apprehended in the Pio offices early last Friday morning, hurriedly putting the finishing touches on their last section. Splashed across computer screens were partially Photoshopped images bearing titles including “Is it time to burn (as in make jokes about) (George) Bridges?” and
“Audience Bored at Annual Choral YAWN-test.” The time was 3 AM.
“They didn’t even put up a fight,” reported Editor-in-Chief Kim Sommers. “It was like they knew we were coming for them.” Added co-editor Jamie Soukup, “Thank God. We were prepared to use force if necessary. Cartwright’s small, but he can get scrappy when he’s cornered.”
Hatheway and Cartwright are now securely incarcerated in their decrepit off-campus house, where they will remain until commencement. Even with this knowledge, the campus still bears the scars of the atrocities they have committed.
“Finally,” said visibly relieved junior Alex Kerr. “I mean, I like puns and pictures of cute animals as much as the next person, but every week? Come on!”
“At least they had Sam Alden to add a smattering of class to their usual hackneyed tripe,” continued Kerr, looking over his shoulder momentarily to ensure that it was safe to speak. “Sorry about that. I just feel like they’re out for me all the time or something.”
The disgraced ex-editors have yet to make any public statements regarding their ousting. However, housemate Kevin Moore has the inside scoop.
“They’ve just been sitting around peacefully, with these serene looks on their faces. I think they’ve accepted their fates at this point.”
History majors on campus are equating this turn of events with such landmarks for freedom and good taste as the fall of the Berlin Wall and the end of the Chinese Cultural Revolution.
“I think that’s almost giving them too much credit,” said Sommers. “I mean, we only hired them back because nobody else applied for the job.”
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