Despite our numerous requests in our past columns, we received no responses asking for advice, no pleas for guidance or help. This saddened us. This changed.

Finally, us C/Kaitlin’s have been flooded with questions. Apparently, the student body of Whitman College has real problems. They were desperate to know when to go in for a kiss, which sorority/fraternity members to date, why their lives were not like the movies and what would make their love juices taste better (pineapple, and avoid dairy). But there was one question that was repeated several times, one question that, in an attempt to discuss it with friends, we realized is vague, troubling and has no definite answer.

What, exactly, are the bases?

Think about it. Do you know? Ask your friends. They are bound to have different opinions on the subject. While this problem does not seem incredibly troubling, it has far-reaching effects. Where do you draw the line? Do you want people to think you did more or less with another person than you actually did? How do you ever truthfully play Never Have I Ever?

Once again, we’re here to help. We shall deconstruct the bases (possibly construct some), and form a universal system that shall be adopted by all dignified forms of human life. Or, at the very least, the six of you who read the Pioneer. (For you six—go read Beth Frieden’s column. It is particularly titillating this week.)

In our experience, there are two main base systems.

First: French, Fondle, Finger, Fuck.

This system is fairly self-explanatory. First base is kissing, second involves groping action, third is hand jobs and fourth is going all the way. However, there is a very obvious and very large problem. Where’s the oral sex?

Does this system assume that oral sex is full-on sex? Is any form of penetration a home run? Or is it just “seriously kissing?”

This is too big of a discrepancy.

Second: Making out, Hand jobs, Blow jobs, Sex.

This one, fortunately, brings in the neglected oral sex element, though it also has its problems. It assumes that making out includes groping, a step that many are not willing to so easily reconcile. For many people, the movement from some simple lip-on-lip action to hands on naughty bits action is a serious transition in its own right.

So, what to do?

We’ll start with the basics (baseball knowledge provided by one sexily informative A. Kesler).

You begin in the dugout, on the bench, where there is little hope to be found. Then, to the on-deck circle—eye sex. You’re getting pumped, ready, it’s almost your time. There is no certainty, yet, but there is a world of possibilities.

You prepare in the batter’s box—buying them a drink, washing yourself, perhaps taking off your jacket, whatever you need to do to get ready.
Then, if you’re lucky, you step up to the plate. Here’s where it gets good. Potentially.

From home plate, you can move to first in one of a few ways: you walk, in which you get a wonderful kiss (hopefully), maybe even some tongue action. Or, you can hit, which involves all of the above plus exploring the chestal and stomach regions.

To second, you can hit, which basically is a simple, everyday, expected hand job. If you want to steal, you can go for the shocker and just slip your hand down there. Just remember, consent is sexy, sexy, sexy.

The movement to third is very similar but with your mouth.

Home base is, as always, the big deal, the official sexy time. It is possible to steal this but very rare and not at all recommended.
Then, go back to the locker room, where you can shower, bond, slap each other’s asses with towels and cuddle.

Other interesting tidbits:

- Grand slam—hella orgy. You and three other people. You all score.

- Randy Johnson once made a bird explode by hitting it with a pitch on accident.

- When you fail to even hit the ball with the bat (a strikeout—a very premature one), take some practice time to build up your stamina. This is called “batting practice,” which involves pitching to yourself and usually guarantees a self-given home run.

- A pickle is when a batter is stranded between two fielders who throw the ball back and forth attempting to get him out. Just The Tip, anyone? Also, pickle is a funny word.

- The Seventh Inning Stretch—you break for a sandwich.

- Sacking the Quarterback—if you manage to get one of these, you’re playing the wrong game. Make sure your partner’s alright.

Hopefully, with this stunningly simplistic system, everything will now be clear. Go out, frolic, buy hot dogs and try not to miss.