Disclaimer: We are inordinately bitchy tonight. Caitlin’s uterus is pounding away at her soul, and Kaitlin is one second away from passing out from sheer exhaustion. We are creatively drained, physically tired and have had to entertain relatives all weekend and act happy. In short, we’re not in a good mood. Read at your own risk. We hold ourselves in no way responsible for anything we might say below.

Last Sunday, KC Masterpiece indulged in a trip to Sweet Basil and, upon finding the Patisserie closed, an emergency stop at Bright’s where we purchased a brick of fudge. Returning to Kaitlin’s abode, we consumed said brick and embarked on what might have been a two hour Facebook-a-thon. Before long, it naturally occurred to us to carefully examine our Whitman Facebook friends and compile a list of doable people, both in attraction and availability. Among Caitlin’s many friends, we came up with a grand total of five.

Five.

Trying to recall these few fellows, we can currently only remember three. This is sad, Whitman. This is sad.

True, we have exacting standards. True, there are cute guys that are unavailable, either because they are gay, taken or sloppy seconds. True, there are undoubtedly cute guys that we are not friends with and haven’t seen around campus. They probably lurk in the basements of frat houses, rotting away, only to emerge later with unrecognizably hideous hair and a beer belly.

However, this is no excuse. There is a fair percentage that we’re supposed to meet our spouse here, and so fair, prospects look horrifically dim. As far as we’ve encountered, these are the types of guys at Whitman that you date (warning: sweeping generalizations ahead).

1) Frat boy. Often has bad hair and extreme substance abuse problems. Might forget you exist. May or may not shower regularly.
2) Hippie. Often has bad hair and extreme substance abuse problems. Will call you, but only to sing you this totally cool song he just wrote. May or may not shower regularly.
3) Debater. Not worth it.
4) Theater kid. Sometimes unconventionally sexy, but can be shy. Also, possibly in the closet. Grinds with other men. Don’t get too attached.
5) Musician. As long as they know more than five chords on the guitar, they’ll probably be able to please you in bed. Can be a space cadet. Showering optional.
6) Normal guy in your sociology class. Actually is a cannibal.
7) Super-senior. An elusive breed. Might not be able to let go.
8) Guy with girlfriend back home. The sex will probably be good, just don’t expect commitment.
9) Townie. Expect people to judge your love.
10) Bon Appétit employee. It’s all fun and games until your snowmobile date literally goes off a cliff.

This is all Whitman offers, give or take a few options. There are good things about each group, granted, but the negative often outweighs the positive. This makes us extremely bitter, so bitter we write songs about it. Cut your hair, shower, emerge from the frat house or the library, and make yourselves available. Shyness is no excuse. The girls here want some loving. They’re begging for it. And each minute you wait, they slowly become re-virginized. Believe us, there is nothing hot about virgin sex.

However, embittered as we are, we have hope for the future. We believe there are a few diamonds in the rough we have not yet discovered. Anything’s possible.

So, to speed up the process, we officially present KC Masterpiece’s Hottie of the Week: a service to help unveil those diamonds. If you wish to nominate yourself or someone you know, write in. Each column, we will offer you a fabulous Whittie looking to get their groove on. Without further ado, here is our first official Hottie of the Week.

Name: Carol Schaeffer
Class Year: Sophomore
Major: English/Art History Double
Carol, so we’ve heard, is “insanely smart and absurdly hot” and self-admittedly arrogant. She enjoys punk rock, particularly the band Television, and her favorite movie is “Cool Hand Luke.” She likes taking pictures (wink wink) and plays history safari when she’s bored. She describes herself as a “bit of a prude,” but she’ll open up to the right man. She’s looking for a casual relationship with a man who doesn’t bore her and who’s well equipped. We can promise you, Carol is one Whittie you don’t want to overlook.