We never thought this issue would come. But here it is. The last time the K/Caitlins will be writing from the same location. The last official KC Masterpiece.

It is horrifically tragic.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it has been a full year of the Masterpiece and a longer friendship to back it up. Us K/Caitlins met in acting class our first semester here at Whitman. We didn’t pay much attention to each other. But the tension could not be denied.

That tension exploded during “Urinetown” the next semester, where we tapped our way into each other’s hearts. Our friendship was solidified when Kaitlin helped Caitlin and her seven bags make it to the airport. We exchanged sexy messages over the summer, and when we returned, flung ourselves into waiting arms.

That first semester, Kaitlin idly drifted into Caitlin’s room in Douglas, seeking her for a mad musical theatre sing-a-long, when she found Caitlin bent over her computer, typing an article about Queer Prom for the Pio.

“Can I interview you?” Caitlin asked.

“I didn’t go, but sure. I have opinions,” was the paraphrased reply.

About 10 minutes later, as the two of us worked together to construct the article, one of us (exactly who is lost to history), uttered the simple phrase that would change our lives forever:

“Hey, we should write a column together!”

Ladies and gentlemen, you know the rest of the story.

It has indeed been a wonderful time. We hope that we have taught you, at least something. We still remember our first column, when we waited anxiously to get it edited.

“We said the word ‘masturbate.’ Are they going to let it pass?”

It did, and so we tried harder to get censored the next week. And the week after that. But our rampant, lewd unprofessionalism left few truly scandalized. And, surprisingly, we found that people liked us. Read us.

Apparently some freshman girls read us aloud every week to their sections. Our best wishes to these freshmen.

We also used our column as a platform from which to subtly stab at those who had irritated/wronged us in the past. To those people (you know who you are), we would apologize, if only it hadn’t been so amusing. Perhaps we carried it a little far. But then again, your reactions were priceless.

Most importantly, we used our column to try to help the Whitman public. Hopefully, some of the things we’ve said have lessened some of your troubles. Hopefully, you’re getting laid. And hopefully, your life was a little more amusing for our presence.

Of course, what would our final column be without one of our infamous lists? So, for the last time, we present you:

KC Masterpiece’s Ways To End The Semester With A Bang:
1) Go see Caitlin’s band (tentatively known as Danger Mermaid) perform.
2) Have a sexy sleepover with as many people as you can cram in one bed.
3) Get drunk and watch “Titanic.”
4) If you’re going abroad, sleep with your favorite senior or 3-2 enrollee.
5) Get your ass on the dance floor.
6) Taco Truck.
7) Remember that ‘C’s get degrees.
8) Lower your standards. What do you have to lose?
9) Write a sexy song commemorating your friendships. Sing it loudly at anyone who will listen.
10) Have a threesome with KC Masterpiece. We may not be kidding.

Which leads perfectly to our last Hotties of the Week, arguably the most high-profile Hotties we’ve had. So (because it’s the last issue and yes, we are that narcissistic), we give you the final Hotties:

KC Masterpiece
Name(s): Kaitlin Phillips and Caitlin Tortorici
Years: Senior and Junior
Majors: Theatre/English and Gender Studies
KC Masterpiece is a pair of fun girls who like to dance and be sarcastic. As we said in our first column, they are a nympho and a nympho in spirit (if you can’t guess which is which, you obviously don’t know them). They are bored with the current semester and looking for some last minute fun before one of them jets off to Florence and the other one takes senior exams. They firmly believe that there are no regrets, only huge mistakes, some involving gym employees, others frat boys. So if you haven’t yet asked for some Kaitlin on Caitlin action, we encourage you to do so. It doesn’t hurt to try. Most of the time.
Farewell and good luck. It’s been a pleasure and a privilege.
Kisses,
KC

P.S. You didn’t think we’d leave forever, did you? Not after all we’ve been through. Look for KC Penpals next semester. If you dare.