Well, not exactly true. We have a lot to say, usually things that can’t be repeated beyond the company of each other and our increasingly shocked close friends. Things that can be printed in the Pio, however, are a different matter entirely.

Yes, the unthinkable has happened. Two loud, opinionated, devilish girls with jaded souls are out of things to say. Conceptions shattered across the board.

Which, ironically, is what we have decided to talk about. We all come to college with hope in our hearts and love shining in our eyes, virginal blushes rising in our cheeks, and what happens within the first few months? Our hearts are broken, our souls are ripped out, half of us start smoking secretly, and some of us pledge Beta. Our belief systems have been changed entirely.

So this week, KC Masterpiece has decided to address certain misconceptions that have provoked us in past weeks. Maybe you’ll recognize these misconceptions. Maybe you’ll have an epiphany. We surely won’t be so lucky. (If you haven’t noticed, we’re so into lists these days.)

1. Everyone Watches the Oscars. Not true. Running back to our dorm through the rain, petrified of missing the Dreamgirls’ performance, we burst into our T.V. lounge only to find two people awkwardly cuddling under a blanket to what was clearly a DVD. In disbelief, we stammered out something about the Academy Awards only to be met with blank stares and the sounds of a movie that could have been played on any laptop. We trudged back to Reid, loudly cursing the elements and all silent cuddlers.

2. Martin Scorsese Has Control Over His Eyebrows. Did you watch his acceptance speech?

3. Leo Isn’t Bitter. Did you watch Forest Whitaker’s acceptance speech?

4 It’s Possible To Be Friends With Your Ex. Not if they’re as retarded as B suite’s.

5. All Topless Massage Parties Lead to Threesomes. Also not true. While previous statistics have shown that 50 percent of all massages lead to some sort of sexual activity, we have recently discovered that when a third party is added and articles of clothing subtracted, someone always ends up emasculated and the likelihood of anyone getting it on drops to a mere seven percent, five percent if there is oil involved. And, as has been painfully proven, there are some places massage oil is just not meant to go. Which brings us to:

6. Women Do Not Enjoy Sex As Much As Men. Completely false. A certain member of our suite loudly and enthusiastically disproves this at least three days a week, much to the detriment of the rest of the suite’s sleeping patterns.

7. Everyone Masturbates. Quite sadly not true, as we have found out from certain members of a neighboring suite. We may have already addressed this issue in our first column, but it still shocks us.

8. Everyone Needs A Husband. Not so. Often times, they’re useless. Trust us.

9. There Are Things To Do At Whitman On the Weekends. Practically never the case. Kaitlin and some friends got so bored last Saturday that they were reduced to going to an unnamed frat house to watch an unnamed band. The band was actually fairly good. However, the random mass of inebriated greeks attempting to relive their high school years by head-banging inconsistently was disquieting to watch. This was just about the only thing going on around campus. The library actually had people studying in it. And after the third weekend in a row of watching an inebriated friend relieve himself on the side of yet another academic building, one hopes for some variety.
And finally: