Sexcetera Quickies #1

From time to time, I get questions in my box that I can’t fit into a whole weekly column, but deserve an answer anyway. Over the course of winter break, I thought I’d blow through some of these. Enjoy!

Any tips for keeping the oil burning in a long distance relationship? My significant other (SO) and I have been together for some time now but are facing a year apart. Believe me, the skypesex is great, I just worry that the “buffering” may become frustratingly mundane.

Do either of you write? Try your hand at writing erotic letters to each other. Email could work, or you could put pen to paper and become steamy, sensual pen pals. If you both have cell phones, dirty texts are another way to keep things fresh along the same lines.

Or, if you both trust each other, you could exchange dirty photos. Be careful about this, ’cause the internet is forever, and it’s far too common these days to hear of people whose naked photos got spread across the internet after a nasty breakup. But if you’re both comfortable with it, try your hand at amateur hour and see if you can’t get creative with sexy photography. (If there’s someone with a penis in the relationship, bonus points for them if they can come up with sexy photosets that aren’t just pictures of their dick.)

If you’re comfortable with it (and if you both have the time, which, if you’re a Whitman student, may be questionable), you could start a sort of video/erotica book club. Each week, you both read the same erotica or watch the same porn, and then discuss it later. Take note of all the things you thought were hot, and what, if any, new ideas were inspired in you. See if you can learn something about each other’s tastes.

You could also send each other semi-regular care packages—not filled with cookies and flowers, though. Use your imagination and see if you can’t come up with things they’d find hot, like erotica, movies, toys, or letters. You could write a sexual favors coupon book and throw it in there, for your SO to redeem the next time you’re together. A blogger I follow, Cliff, over at the Pervocracy, took a similar approach and made a sex menu. Writing promises of what’s to come can keep things exciting.

And though I’ve been focusing on the sex end of things (which I think is excusable, since I’m the sex columnist), don’t forget to keep the heart of your relationship strong. Long distance relationships can be really tough. Make time for each other and try not to take your relationship for granted. A lot of the advice above could be adapted to be nonsexual—just taking the time, for instance, to write your partner a letter, even if it’s not sexual, could be great for keeping your connection strong and healthy.

Do you have sex, and how often?

Yes. Often.

I am curious as to the number of Whitman students that experiment with anal play. According to some surveys 60 percent of hetero couples experiment with it. Does this number only apply to older more experienced couples, or are Whitman students with their adventurous attitude toward so many other aspects of life trying it out?

I’m pretty interested to see any answer on this.

Unfortunately, when I got the sex columnist job, it didn’t come with comprehensive data on Whitties’ sexual behavior. Which is a shame, because a) that’d be really cool data to have, and b) it would allow me to answer this question, which I can’t really do otherwise. Sorry.

But, hey! Whitties! What are your thoughts on anal play? Drop me a comment in my submission box (http://is.gd/sexcetera/), and we’ll see in an entirely unscientific, non-representative way how Whitman students feel about anal.

Is it a taboo/turnoff for a girl to not shave her vagina?

Turnoffs vary from person to person. Some might find unshaven vulvas a turnoff—others might find them a turn-on.

Is it taboo? That also depends on the social context you’re talking about. Ideally, there’d be no taboo anywhere on exercising bodily autonomy and shaving or not shaving as you see fit, but unfortunately, there are some people–we call them “assholes”–who think they have the right to shame their partners for their personal grooming habits.

Honestly, as someone who doesn’t have a vulva, I don’t know firsthand the intensity of those taboos or how common those assholes are. If you’re really concerned about this, I recommend talking to someone who’s sexually active and does have a vulva. But let’s be real: Your body is yours and no one else’s, and whatever you’d like to do with your pubic hair, that’s your own choice and more power to you. Any partner who gets so caught up on what you do with your body that they can’t find you attractive … that’s their own damn problem. Do what makes you happy and don’t let anybody tell you how your body should look.


Hey, readers! As much as I like pontificating on sex and culture in my column, I’d much rather give advice, and I imagine you’d rather read that, too. So send me your questions—any and all of them! My question box is at http://is.gd/sexcetera/.




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